Nicole Smith is a born and raised California girl currently transplanted on the Coast of Virginia. She is a proud wife, mom, foodie and ocean lover! Nicole is also a Military Veteran turned Life Coach and Mental Wellness Advocate. She recently retired as a Senior Chief Petty Officer after 20 years of honorable service in the United States Coast Guard. While serving for our country, she silently fought a battle to remain in control of the anxiety and depression that overcame her. Finally hitting rock bottom was the breakthrough where her own transformation journey began. It was her blessing in disguise and led her to discovering her true self-worth and how to heal her life. Her path to healing transformed her so deeply that she decided to retire from her successful military career. Connecting to a new purpose, she created Navigate Your Freedom and is now serving the military community in a new way by helping women who are burnt out from the military lifestyle to become just as committed to themselves as they are their country.
Although she had a military background with the Army the military never appealed to her. Then her boyfriend decided to join the Coast Guard and she did too. The ended up breaking up with the challenges of a long-distance relationship, but she discovered a career in the Coast Guard that led her to serve over twenty years. There were days between when she signed up to join and left to go to boot camp She was planning to do Health Services, but there was a two year wait for tech school so she decided to a watch stander who stood by and was the first voice ships heard when they were in distress.
She met her husband when they were out at sea. And because they were both part of the same unit their relationship was deemed inappropriate. Since she was the senior enlisted member she took the brunt of the blame. Luckily, the Captain of the ship said that once they got back into port one of them would be moved to a new unit, but needed to stay away from each other for the rest of their time out at sea. That’s what happened and eventually they got married and are still married today.
Next we dove into her mental health journey. She said life kept piling up and she tried her best to keep it all together. She ended up going on a girls weekend trip she ended up having a panic attack and ended up in the hospital. When the doctor told her she had been diagnosed with a sever anxiety attack he also said, but what you really suffered from was a broken heart. That moment when the doctor looked past her wall and saw into who she was ground breaking. She knew she needed help and started to change the trajectory of her life.
Today she is the founder and owner of Navigate Your Freedom and she also works as the Educational Services Facilitator at the Fleet and Family Support Program.
Her advice for women joining the military is to get the tough assignments out of the way early. Get out on a ship, take that deployment opportunity. It will help you for your future.
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Related Episodes:
Mental Health in the Military – Episode 73
10 Things I Learned from Deployment – Episode 64
In the Coast Guard far from Home – Episode 21
Amanda Huffman
Welcome to Episode 77 of the Women of the Military Podcast. This week, my guest is Nicole Smith. She served in the Coast Guard for over 20 years and recently retired. At the time of the recording, she was on terminal leave. So, she's kind of in the in between part of being off active duty but still sort of in the military. We met at the military influencer conference last September. And it was really exciting to meet her and hear about how excited she was about the work that I was doing, and to be able to talk to her about what she was about to face as she transitioned out of the military and what she had planned for the future. In this interview, we talked about what her experience was like to join the Coast Guard to be married to someone who is also in the Coast Guard and to have kids. We also dove into talking about her mental health struggles. She was very open and honest about her mental health and how she has come to overcome the issues that she's facing. So, it's a great episode and I think you'll learn a lot. So, let's dive right in. You're listening to the Women of the Military Podcast where we share the stories of female service members and how the military touch their lives. I'm your host, military veteran military spouse and mom, Amanda Huffman. My goal is to find the heart of the story and uncover issues women face while serving in the military. If you want to be encouraged by the stories of military women, and be inspired to change the world, keep tuned for this latest episode of women of the military. Hey, everyone, before we start this week's episode, I wanted to celebrate with you and let you know that this podcast just hit 20,000 downloads and I'm really excited to hit this milestone and I can't wait to see where the podcast goes next. So, thank you for listening. Thank you for the support and enjoy this new episode. Nicole is a born and raised California girl currently transplanted on the coast of Virginia. She is a proud wife, Mom, foodie and ocean lover. She is a military veteran turned life coach and mental wellness advocate. She recently retired as a Senior Petty Officer. After 20 years of honorable service. In the US Coast Guard while serving for our country, she fought a battle to remain in control of the anxiety and depression that overcame her. Finally, hitting rock bottom was the breakthrough where her own transformation journey began. It was her blessing in disguise and led her to discover her true worth and how to heal her life. Her path to healing transformed her so deeply that she decided to retire from her successful military career. connecting to a new purpose she created navigate your freedom and is now serving the military community in a new way by helping women who are burnt out from the military lifestyle to become just as committed to themselves as they are for their country. I'm so excited to talk with you today. And welcome to the show.
Nicole Smith
Thanks, Amanda. I'm so happy to be here.
Amanda Huffman
And we met at the military influencer conference in September. And it was really cool because we got to do a networking lunch and talk about what both of us are working on. And we're so in line with, like, our dreams and our vision, and we're just attacking it from a slightly different way. So, I'm excited to not only learn more about what you did in the military, but what you're doing today.
Nicole Smith
Oh, my goodness, likewise. Yep. It was such a great meeting.
Amanda Huffman
Let's go way back to when you decided to join the military and why did you decide to join?
Nicole Smith
It's actually a very interesting story. I come from a military family, both my mom and dad were in the army. And that's I was actually born in Barstow, California because they were stationed there at the Army National Training Center. So, it was always impressed upon me to join the service or be part of ROTC, but it was just never my thing. And never wanted any part of it. But it wasn't until after graduating high school, and my plans for college kind of fell through. My mom kind of snapped at me is like, well, you're not going to just sit on the couch all summer, so you better figure out something to do. And my high school boyfriend and I at that time, we took a trip down to Catalina Island, which is off the coast of California there off of Long Beach. And we were just kind of sitting relaxing on the beach, and we saw a big white ship that had an orange helicopter hovering over it and we're like, what is that that looks pretty interesting. And we quickly learned that it was the US Coast Guard And so the following Monday we were at the recruiter’s office finding out everything we needed to know about the Coast Guard. And we were shipping off to boot camp that Friday. But Friday, yes, it was quick. And I literally like told my mom that Wednesday in between.
Amanda Huffman
Wow. So, you went from hanging out on the beach in Catalina and then to the recruiter’s office, and then they're like, all right, you're going to go so had you already taken the ASVAB in high school? Is that how it was so quick?
Nicole Smith
Yes. Yep. That was kind of part of one of the things that we did there was like the SAT's ASVAB you kind of just took them all, which was nice, because, you know, I felt like a lot of the students that I went to school with, were kind of uncertain of what their paths were. So, it was a nice segue to be able to know like, okay, am I going to college or did I really have like successful scores, and maybe military was the past so is definitely a nice way to just be able to have it all done.
Amanda Huffman
That's really cool. So, you can have like an Army background but it didn't appeal to you. What about the Coast Guard made you and your boyfriend decide? That that was a good idea?
Nicole Smith
I don't want to speak for him. But for me personally, it definitely came down to the missions I hold so much just love and honor for all of the branches of the service. But really what just called to me about the Coast Guard was the mission to rescue and save. And not only that, but all of our work is here on the Homefront. So, while Yes, there are opportunities to deploy overseas, we remain here and we protect from the States. So, there was just some big differences there. And that was probably the biggest thing was just it, connecting to something within me of wanting to help and rescue others.
Amanda Huffman
So, you headed off to boot camp. Is your boyfriend now your husband?
Nicole Smith
No. So we actually So he and I actually broke up about a year after joining the military, you know, just living into different places and just new experiences and things. And ironically enough, he got out after six years. And so even though I guess you could say I followed him in because it was more, he that was very excited about it. It actually became my career. And so yeah, he got out after six years, and I completed
Amanda Huffman
So, you went to boot camp, and what was your career field when you were in? Was it the same the whole time, or did you switch around?
Nicole Smith
So actually, when I joined the Coast Guard, I was really excited about our health services field, so the health technician and so when I got to my first unit, I actually put my name on the school list to go be a health service technician. But the wait was so long, it was an almost a two year wait, I wanted something else. And one of the things that was suggested to me because what at the unit that I was at what of my responsibilities was a watch stander, and I just enjoyed so much being on the radio and being like the first voice that mariners heard. So, like if they were in distress, and there was something was wrong, I was the first voice that they heard and was, you know, the kind of like the reasoning behind keeping them calm and letting them know like rescue was on the way. It was suggested that I look into at the time it was our telecommunications specialist, right. And so, they're the ones that are there behind the scenes, you know, on the radios. And so that's what I did. And within a month, I received my orders and I shipped off to telecommunications a school, right because
Amanda Huffman
You just triggered a memory that the Coast Guard doesn't do it like a lot of the branches where you have your job and you like wait for that slot to open up. You go to boot camp, and then when you get to your base, then you pick your job and you wait for your tech school.
Nicole Smith
We do both there are some that you know if I'm sitting in the recruiter’s office, there are Some of our ratings that are in such high demand that you can actually sign up. And so, you go to boot camp straight to a school. But that's not what I did at the time, I actually went from boot camp to a unit first, which I am so grateful for, because it allowed me just extra experience to be able to really see what it was that I wanted to do. And so, it I think if it weren't for that, then I may have ended up in a field that I really wasn't, you know, connecting with.
Amanda Huffman
I know, I think it's kind of an interesting way to do it, where you get some time like, as an enlisted troop at an actual base, learning a little bit about the culture and what the different jobs are from real people and not just the recruiter who's like you should do this.
Nicole Smith
Exactly, because they have a quota to fill and no, you actually yeah, you get to go out and put hands on, you know, experience behind a job.
Amanda Huffman
So, you headed off to a school about a month or so after you got or after you put that package in
Nicole Smith
Put my request in and got my name on the list My name was only on the list for about a month until I received orders and went off to school. But I was at the first unit for almost two years,
Amanda Huffman
That was a good amount of time to get your feet under you. So, then you went off and you did a school. And then where did you go? What was your first assignment?
Nicole Smith
First was actually in Coos Bay, Oregon, so it's just a tiny little fishing town up on the northern coast of Oregon. And I mean, that was extreme shock coming from a small desert city in Southern California then ups like this little fishing town. But after that, my Archer, the training center that I actually attended was in Petaluma, California. And after graduating with my Military Occupation Specialty (MOS), I was then stationed not too far away, but in Point Reyes, California. And I did a few years there. And then from there, I actually transitioned over to, it was at the time called activities, New York. They're now called sectors. And it was in that transition that my rate changed. The Coast Guard did a big merger and combined a lot of rates got rid of a lot of rates and created the operation specialist rates, which I know that is very similar to the Navy. The Navy has the operations rate as well. And that is what I then became in 2003. While serving in New York, it was after New York, I was assigned to my first underway platform and did some deployment time and that was out of Charleston, South Carolina. That was actually then where I also met my husband, and from there together we moved to Miami, Florida, have gone back to California. Then we moved to Houston, Texas, and currently are now in Portsmouth Virginia.
Amanda Huffman
So, you moved around a lot.
Nicole Smith
Oh, yes. They bounced this back and forth. You know, they talk a lot about stability or least trying to keep you know, on the same coasts, but no, every single time I transferred it was from one coast to the other.
Amanda Huffman
That's kind of funny. It's like, sometimes what they tell you is like not even close to what actually happens when you're on active duty, even if like that's the norm for everybody else. It's like, it's, it's not always the case when you're on active duty. So, you talked about you were out at on a ship, right?
Nicole Smith
Correct.
Amanda Huffman
So which kind of ship and like how big was it and what were you doing?
Nicole Smith
So, for the Coast Guard, we at the time, it was the largest platform that we had outside of our icebreakers. But I was on our high endurance cutter which is 378 feet. I was attached to the Coast Guard Cutter Dallas, out of Charleston, South Carolina. And the majority of our missions were affecting, like law enforcement, drug enforcement, migrant operations and things like that. So really just kind of protecting the coasts and doing more like Southern patrols and things like that.
Amanda Huffman
So, did you have any like cool or interesting stories from your time out at sea?
Nicole Smith
Well, I guess an interesting story would be the fact that I met my husband, we are what you call an inappropriate relationship. Um, so that was definitely quite interesting and unexpected, to say the least. But as far as just the mission as a whole, it was just unique because it was the first underway platform that I was assigned to. So, I had already been in the Coast Guard for six, almost seven years. By the time I was assigned to an underway platform. And I was a first class already at the time. So that's pretty far in your career to be first getting that experience. So, there were both a lot of challenges, but also some just really good learning moments that came from that experience, because of when it came to me, like when I was afforded the opportunity to actually do it.
Amanda Huffman
So, you said inappropriate relationship? Is it because you were out at sea or because of rank or what was inappropriate about it,
Nicole Smith
At least for the Coast Guard, an inappropriate relationship is when a relationship is formed between two members assigned to the same unit. So, when you are under the same command, you have the same CEO, it is considered inappropriate. But yes, I was also senior ranking as well. So, when it came down to it, I actually went to mass I had to stand in front of the CEO and the nice green tablecloth, and was masted because I was the senior member and should have known better
Amanda Huffman
Wow. So, it was really serious, not just like, you know, sometimes they're like, Oh, you shouldn't be dating. Like, it was a big deal.
Nicole Smith
Oh, yeah. It was a big deal. I mean, it was huge. And it was one of those moments where you're just like holy crap, like, Did I just ruin my entire career? You know, because I mean, at the time that he had the opportunity to demote me in rank, he could have, you know, taken pay, there were so many things that could have happened. He and I were actually very lucky enough that it didn't happen, because during an interview, we both had mass representatives that were assigned to us. And during the interview process, apparently both said that if we were afforded the opportunity outside of the military to continue our relationship, would we and we both answered Yes, unbeknownst to each other. And so, when I was standing there in front of the captain there, it was kind of presented, he's like, sometimes you can't help you know, who you fall in love with. And he's like, for the remainder of the patrol stay away from each other. And as soon as we pull back in, one of you will be leaving, and at the time, it was my husband, they actually they sent him off and we were able to create continue our relationship which he is now my husband we've been married for almost 13 years. So, I guess the joke's on them.
Amanda Huffman
Well, it sounds like they were understanding and they were like, doing their due diligence once they found out was like a real thing. They were like, Okay, well stay away from each other. But when we get back to the ship, we'll make it so that you can make it work.
Nicole Smith
Oh, absolutely. And I mean, I it's one of those things too that it's doesn't always pan out that way. I mean, I've seen very similar situations you know, where the members are married as well, but one of them did get in trouble like they did have you know, their range busted down and things like that. So, I just feel very grateful that ours didn't go that way and that we did Yes. Have a captain at the time that was very understanding of it, because he didn't have to be
Amanda Huffman
Yeah, so like, did you guys meet like right at the beginning of your tour, or cuz sounds like you got serious really fast.
Nicole Smith
It did. He and I actually met on my first deployment. So, I had just arrived to the ship. And it was about halfway into that deployment that he and I met during one of our port calls. We just so happened to have mutual friends that were already kind of like in a group together. So, when we kind of just showed up at the same place, he and I just, you know, struck up conversation and the rest is history. Yeah.
Amanda Huffman
How quickly after you guys got home, did you end up getting married? And did you have to spend any, like time being separated?
Nicole Smith
Yes. So, we did. So, when we came home from that deployment, and as I had mentioned, they sent him off to another unit. And he was actually sent up to Yorktown, Virginia while I remained in Charleston. And so, we did the I guess you could say long distance thing for a while. And I mean, we just may do with what we could we saw each other when I was in port or when he could get leave and Things like that and just continue to visit each other. And it wasn't shortly thereafter that he actually received orders to Jacksonville, Florida. And we continued with our long distance. And I don't want to get too far ahead if you have a question, but we actually ended up let's see, we were dating that way for almost about a year and a half. And it was in December of 2006. We actually found out that we were pregnant. And so, I was removed from the ship because obviously you can't serve aboard when you are pregnant. So, I was removed from the ship. And I was sent to Miami, Florida and the Coast Guard at the time, we had to do some finagling and working things out. But his detailers are our assignment officers I guess is what is a better way to call it. We were able to communicate with the assignment officer let them know the situation and they ended up moving him down to Miami, Florida. And so, we ended up getting married and then welcomed our first child together as a family while we were stationed in Miami.
Amanda Huffman
It's really interesting. So, you were talking about like being in and out of port. So, were you on a monthly rotation, like three months or three months away? or What was it? Like?
Nicole Smith
That's pretty much how it goes. Sometimes it could obviously change depending on mission requirements and things like that. But yes, it it's for us as a rotational basis. We're not gone for an extremely long period of time, I guess it's where we kind of differ as well from the other branches is, you know, where you may have like a yearlong deployment, and you're gone that entire period of time. Ours is, you know, you're in three months, you're out three months, you're in three months, you're out two months, you're in, you know, one month out for four months. So, it's like this continuous rotation of an in and out deployment period.
Amanda Huffman
That doesn't sound like you have like a lot of stability, because it's not like I said, it's not like three months, three months. It's like, it's like always changing. And was that like a hard tour to be on where you're like, I mean, you didn't have kids or really, you had a boyfriend. But
Nicole Smith
I think at the time, you know, kind of going back to even being assigned to it at that point in my career to begin with. I think it all being able to look back at it now. It was all in its own, like perfect timing, because like you said, I didn't have children at the time. So, it was perfect to be able to go out. Yes, it was hard, leaving home hard, you know, knowing that I was missing, you know, holidays or different things with like family and stuff. But, you know, at the time, it was just myself, you know, to come home to so it really didn't seem that bad. It actually kind of gave me something to look forward to because then when I was underway, that's where most of my friends was. They were underway with me and it was just it was an amazing experience, because we were able to just see and go to different places that I never would have experienced, but also just some of the missions that we were able to do. You know, it really just added to the sense of pride that I had for my service, but also just humbled me as a person with things that I did see, you know, in other places.
Amanda Huffman
And then you said that when you got pregnant, you had to get pulled off the ship? Is that something that you think could like negatively affect a woman's career? Because you can't be out on a ship while you're pregnant? Or is that just the way it is?
Nicole Smith
So yes, for at least for the Coast Guard, you cannot serve longer than your first trimester underway. And that's just for basically the woman's safety is because, you know, if you're out at sea, and you're effecting a mission where you know something were to go wrong, they may not be able to provide you the care in due time, like so. It's really just comes down to, you know, one the protection of the military member. And then also, you know, I guess you could say like, it protects the military as well from something going on there and being held responsible for it. But that being said, you know, it doesn't restrict you from once the child is born to be going to go back underway.
Amanda Huffman
Is there any like in the Air Force? I know for sure. There's like a year before you can go on not before you can go but a year of time that you don't have to deploy after you have a child as the Coast Guard have something similar or is it like, you get your maternity leave, and then you're back on rotation.
Nicole Smith
They've just changed everything. This is very recent, like within this this year, as a matter of fact, where they changed our maternity and paternity policies. But yes, when I was having when I was in that period, when I was having my children, it was 45 days of maternity leave and then you were back to work. And that was wherever your assignment was.
Amanda Huffman
Wow, it's kind of crazy. Forty-five days is a very long, like six weeks.
Nicole Smith
Yeah, it was like a month and a half. Now it has doubled. It's there around 85 days of maternity leave, which is much better. But now they are mimicking some of the other branches where you have like a year after the child is born, to not be deployed, or to also work out a better work schedule. So, you know, if there are certain needs that you need to maybe telework or if you're needing to balance out hours because of childcare and things like that, they are now by policy required to kind of like work with you on that. And it's just it's so much better they the Coast Guard in 2018, I believe is when it was done. They actually did a retention study for women in the Coast Guard because they were seeing a huge decline. So, they did a study to try and really get an idea of a lot of the reasons why women were separating. And so, this particular instance, being one of the biggest reasons why women were getting out, they started to fill the need and see the gap to help military women stay in.
Amanda Huffman
Yeah. And I think all the branches are looking at that and seeing that because I know that women get out of the military at like double the rate of men. And so, they're trying to figure out why. And I think the maternity leave and the year is a big because for me, when I was getting out, it was six months. And I was like, I can't leave at six months, like I just can't do it. And a year might have changed my mind. I don't know, because there was a real possibility that at six months I would deploy and I was like, I just, I can't do that. And that, especially with my husband's still being and it was like just all the factors and so it's nice to see that they're making changes and trying to help women stay in the military and make it more possible.
Nicole Smith
So, I mean, even like you were saying six months, you know, most women, if they're capable and able to learn to they're still nursing. So, you know, that's a hard thing. And that's definitely another change that, you know, at least with the Coast Guard, I believe it's all the services. But now there are actually helping women who are nursing to be able to ship back, they're pumped milk. And I was like, that is one of the coolest things that I've seen, you know, and being able to even help cover the supplies that are required to pump so really just, you know, advocating for, you know, being parents in the military, which I think is amazing.
Amanda Huffman
Yeah. I don't want to not get a chance to talk about your struggle with anxiety. So, I'm going to kind of fast forward to that part. And just, you can tell your story, like when it started, and then how you went through it, and then I'll probably jump in with questions or I might let you talk. We'll just see how it goes.
Nicole Smith
Actually, I would have to say I probably without even knowing about it struggled with anxiety, and some level of depression even before coming into the military, being able to look back and really have a good understanding. Now, I'd have to say it probably started when while I was in high school, there were just some experiences and things like that that happened. That really triggered a lot of things and being able to identify now makes sense to like even being diagnosed with PTSD and certain things. I feel highly associated, you know, with experiences that started then, but it was then coming into the military. And, you know, you do all this awesome training, right? You go through boot camp and you get prepared you go through your MLS and you get trained and things like that. But there are just a lot of other aspects that you're really just not trained or prepared to Ender. So, like one of the things for me, that I have talked about in the past is like at my first-year unit was a large search and rescue unit. So, you know, the most of the missions that we were called out on was, you know, because people were in distress like their vessels were sinking or, you know, there were people that were caught in heavy surf and were being washed out. And you know, so when you're new to the military, and you're joining, you know, straight out of high school like I did, I was 18 years old, you know, affecting the search and rescue missions were sometimes they weren't a rescue, and they turned into a recovery. And nobody prepares you at such a young age to go out and recover bodies. You know, and I think that that's the same in the other branches of the service as well, as you know, you're trained to operate a weapon, you know, what you're going to be doing with that weapon, but nobody prepares you for what happens thereafter, you know, at such a young age and things like that, and having that happen, and even on some of our most rescues, services were offered, you know, as it was offered, no. Would anybody like to talk to the chaplain Or Would anybody like to talk to anybody but you know, when I'm looking around and the majority of my shipmates actually anonymous a majority, but all of my shipmates are saying no more good. Like, they have already built up such resistance to it, that for them. It's like, who am I to raise my hand and be like, yeah, this suck. And I'm kind of scared, you know. So, I internalized a lot of that. And I began to just kind of hold it all within. And early on in my career that I really feel where a lot of just some of like those dark places where was because of that. Things that I had experienced through high school and just trauma and stress and then affecting that and having all of that compounded on to me and not talking about it, not working through it. So, I feel that that's really where it.
Amanda Huffman
Yeah, I think that's really a good point. Because I think if you think about most of the military members, especially the ones who are out fighting or You know, out on the ship or like out doing the mission, and not in the leadership position, we are really young because officers are in their, like early 20s. And enlisted troops are like 18 to like 25. And so, it's really true and that culture of, I'm fine. Like I don't need to talk to anyone is it's instilled into you even though when I came home from my deployment, it was all one on one. I still felt like, I couldn't tell anyone like what was going on. And even though I was getting out, I still didn't feel like I could tell people what was going on. Actually, I guess I wasn't getting out them. I just it's a weird dynamic that the military, they kind of teach you like, just keep pushing forward and keep moving. And like, talk about emotions. Who does that? No one
Nicole Smith
Oh, my goodness, exactly. And so, I'll use that as a segue if that's okay. So, as I began to progress through my military career, began to advance that was exactly it. It was, you know, one you're trying to navigate a career in the military as a woman, which you face already, you know, certain things that others just don't. But then when you are then also tackling like mental health issues and dealing with anxiety and depression, I've always been a very emotional person, you know, when I'm passionate about something, you don't just hear it in my voice, but you'll see it in my face because my eyes will begin to tear up. And it's not that like, you know, I'm going to cry. It's just that I'm extremely passionate. You know, I find it so important. And there were a few times in my career where I would then have somebody say, you need to just stop being such like such a crybaby or you need to suck it up. You need to grow a backbone, you if you're going to, you know, go anywhere in the service, like, you need to, you know, stop being, you know, so emotional. And so, it was I was always being shut down. On I guess you could say like, who I was like, that's just my human nature is how I respond. I mean, I am able to see that now like I'm such an empath. So, I would absorb a lot of what was happening around me. And so, to always be shut down and told that emotions were not okay, or that emotions were a sign of weakness, or if I perceived it that way that I was not going to be a good enough or strong enough leader. That is really where I believe that things kind of began to take like such a tipping point, and started leading down like a really dark place of depression.
Amanda Huffman
Yeah. And so, in the bio, you said, you finally hit rock bottom, and that's where your breakthrough came from. And so, can you talk a little bit about if there was like something that triggered you to hit rock bottom or if it was just something that just happened, and then how you came forward?
Nicole Smith
I actually ended up in my career. This was after already having children. So, with all my children at some level experience even postpartum depression. So, you know, I was already tackling anxiety and normal sense of depression, I was suffering with some PTSD, then became a mother and you know, was then dealing with it on like, other levels. It was just I constantly felt like a hot mess. And it was after having my third child and I was at a unit where I was working night shifts. And so not even having adequate sleep, like not even knowing like What time was up anymore. Barely, sometimes getting through a day with only two hours of sleep and running just off of pure adrenaline. I found myself in an extremely dark place and actually started having really intense suicidal ideation. There would be moments like where I would actually be driving to work, and would visualize myself just driving into like the concrete barrier and wouldn't even bat an eye to it. It was just like, oh, like, I wonder if somebody would care. It was actually a in the summer of 2015, I was up in Dallas for what was supposed to be a really fun girls’ weekend and actually wound up in the hospital. And I was in their emergency room. And I remember it so vividly, like just being covered with like a crisp white sheet, you know, super sterile hooked to just all the machines, having my heart rate monitor, because I felt like I was dying, I thought I was having a heart attack. So just constantly, like just listening to the machines around me beeping, the blood pressure cuff going off, you know, and, and all of this nonsense and just being absolutely terrified. And the doctor came in, and he sat on the edge of my bed and it's all never forget, but he started taking notes in the ledger. And you know, he was saying that, on paper, that experience was going to be documented as a severe anxiety attack. But then he looked over at me and he placed the hand like softly on the shin of my leg and he's like, but Honey, what you really suffered from was a broken heart, and it was the first time that somebody saw through all the lies, and all the BS that I was trying to like exude like all these walls and all these barriers, and somebody for the first time saw the pain. And it just it released like I just started crying. And it was just so good to finally have somebody see me and call me on it. And I knew in that moment that if I didn't get help that if I didn't change this path or this trajectory that I was on, that I was just going to become another number to our statistic of 22 soldiers a day that we lose to suicide. And not only that, but that I felt like I was also following a family legacy because suicide runs in my family mental health runs in my family, alcoholism, drug abuse, and I just I literally felt like that in both ways that if I didn't do something to change I was just following the path.
Amanda Huffman
Wow, that's just so powerful that he, like said something and how I think that's like a reminder to everyone that like, we need to speak out. And we think like, Oh, it's not going to really make that big a difference, but like, those were just a few words spoken from his heart to like, hey, you're, you're in trouble and I can see that. And he could have just been like, well, you just had a severe and then you probably would have just gone on but because he noticed you, and it just shows the power of how important it is that we speak out, we watch our friends, and we take that time to really see them and not just see the, you know, what they pretend to be but like, see deeply who they are.
Nicole Smith
You know, I think about all the doctor visits that I've ever been to, you know, and I can't ever say that I've had somebody have that. personal level of rapport. You know, it's like you said it's very textbook, it's very, you know, methodical, it's just checking all the boxes and doing we know what is right by paper. And yeah, for him to just approach me as a human being was huge. And so, I'll add to this as well, because I mentioned you know, that of meeting help. So, just to also set that straight is I had actually sought out services prior to this. I had utilized our EAP or the employee assistance program, and then also through military OneSource had sought support. That way, I never went through medical and this kind of just ties back into like that stigma and that fear, right? I just didn't want it documented in my medical record, because I was terrified of what that may look like or what people may see or if they would send me you know, for a mental health screening, if I would lose my clearance, my job, you know, all of those things are building up right? That's Just another part of the anxiety. I'm always thinking about the worst-case scenario. But I did seek out services twice. And it just it was not for me. And I say that it was not for me because I know so many shipmates, and I have so many friends that work with therapists and counselors and have great experiences. So, I know that it's possible, and it's there. But for me personally, it wasn't what I was needing. It wasn't creating the change in my life that needed to happen. Because the first one that I went to, you know, I was, you know, sharing my experiences. And I'm able to look back now and recognize that that therapist was actually deflecting issues that maybe she had because she was trying to place the blame on the men in my life. And I even remember thinking like, I didn't come here to point fingers. I didn't come here to place blame, like, I just have this going on and I want to be made whole like I'm wanting to work past this. How do I do it? But it was constantly like, Oh, well, no wonder No, this is happening or things like that. And then the second time, the person really didn't even have conversation, it was like, I would just come in and just talk. But there was never anything being drawn out. And I was like, Well, if I want to just talk or continuously go over the same exact experience over and over again, like, I can do that with myself, I can do that with a friend, but I wasn't meeting an event session. Again, I needed somebody that was going to help me identify things and make a change. And that's what I found. When I came home from that hospitalization in 2015. I began to actually research what other services were there, even outside of the military, and that's when I came across coaching. And I began to work with my own coach. And within about a month and a half of working with that person. I couldn't even recognize myself it was like doing a 180 and it was because I wasn't only talking about the things that were bothering but we were getting to the root cause of them, but then changing my beliefs around them. And that was really like that, that turning point is shift in my life, that things began to happen. And I began to also identify and see the need for that type of services for our military members.
Amanda Huffman
Yeah, and that's a really good point, because I think that's one of the saddest parts about suicide is that people know they need help. And then when they're at the point where they can still reach out and get help, they go, and neither the counselor is not good or it's just not the right fit. And because TRICARE is really limiting on like, who you can see, if you're, like, have a tight budget, or you can't afford to do it, or you're like, not really sure if there's something wrong with you, you can like, go and see someone and then not get help, and just go further in the pit.
Nicole Smith
And I think that there's, you know, there's other components of that as well is No one, when you go through those services, you only get a certain amount of sessions, you know, so like, you can maybe be making some progress and then all of a sudden your sessions are done. And that's it. Or you're up for a transfer, right? You maybe you get like, TTY orders are you get called out for, you know, an unprepared for mission, and then you're gone. And you know, things change, life happens. And then when you come back, you're assigned to somebody new and you're starting all over again, you know, so there's never this sense of consistency and never allows the member to actually build a sense of rapport so that they even are comfortable enough, getting to the good stuff, right. So anywhere, is really matter. And they're wanting to talk about, but I think the other aspect of it too that now like I'm also very aware of it and this is why I say like for some it may really work because maybe they don't need that type of relation. But I know for me that was it was that when I began to work with a coach, they were coaching me on experience. So, the coach that I began to work with, wasn't an active duty member, but did have military experience through family and things like that. So when I began to talk about it, that person was actually able to relate to me on such a different level, then talking to me just all and, you know, science and theory and you know, medical, you know, knowledge and stuff like that, but also, they were able to share that back with me and reflect back whereas, you know, when you're talking with psychologists and counselors and therapists and things like that, there is such a policy and standard on that patient doctor relationship, where they're there to kind of see what's wrong with you to help you but they're not there to share their experiences, you know, so even if they did, it's not in there. nature or even in policy to be allowed to share it. So, I feel like that's also like one of those big differences that really begins to make an impact. You know, like you're saying with having somebody one have the courage to say like, Hey, I'm struggling, or I'm in this space is to then have somebody come back and not just say like, Okay, well, let's figure out what's wrong with you, but like, to like I was there. I know how you feel. There is such a different type of relationship that gets built on having somebody say like, it's okay. I know how you feel I was there, but I know the way out.
Amanda Huffman
Yeah, and I did a program called Celebrate Recovery, which is a faith based 12 step recovery program. And it had that aspect of people who were in similar situations. They weren't exactly the same, but like when we shared our different experiences, like I could take away things from what they experienced, and they could take, and so is that healing process of not being alone because we were able to share, like, either successes or failures or where we come from, and that helped, like, push me forward. And it was they give out coins for different milestones. So, when I got my year coin, I had thought of things that I would say, and I just started crying because I couldn't believe like how much change had happened in a year. And like, now, it's been like three and a half years. And it's like, a totally different person who I used to be. At the time when I started going, I was like, there's no hope for me, I'm never going to change. And it's amazing how you really can change like, the way you react to things and the way that you think about things. And it does take a lot of hard work, but it's definitely worth it.
Nicole Smith
I couldn't agree more. And I think that's kind of like the irony in it right as when you're when you're in the thick of it when you're in that deepest darkest space of just despair and struggle. Whether it's with alcoholism or drug abuse or depression, PTSD, whatever it is, that is kind of like your piece, you feel so alone, you feel so isolated, you feel like nobody understands you, you carry that shame and resentment and judgment and embarrassment, and just all of these things. But for me, like the irony of it all, like when I was trying to hide it, and I was desperate to make sure nobody knew what I was the only one is when I felt the most alone. But when I began to actually start sharing my story and what my experiences were, is when I began to find community, and I mean very similar to you, it's been about two years now that I have begun opening up and speaking publicly about my mental health issues and struggles. And I would say like I'm in the best place ever, and I can't even begin to just even think like the amount of people that are in my Life because of being able to share my story that have come in and now have this newfound sense of community of just friends that are not only they're the drop of a dime, but they are my people. And it's because of that connection of, you know, sharing, you know that we're not alone. And I think that it's just, it's just crazy sometimes how in life like we go through these things, and how it does make us feel like you're saying like when you start going through this 12 step processes or you start getting yourself out of the hole. You just find like how strong you are, you find how, you know you never were alone, and it's just it's such an amazing, powerful thing.
Amanda Huffman
That's awesome. We're running out of time, but I wanted to talk about you're currently when we're recording this, you're on terminal leave. You just had your retirement ceremony last week. You're like kind of in this like Limbo period where you're like still in the military, but you're not the military because you're not going to work every day. So, what has it meant to like serve your country for 20 years, and to make it to retirement, and now being in this phase of like switching?
Nicole Smith
It is extremely surreal. And I mean, you guys heard I joined straight out of high school. So, it is such a tremendous transition because this is all I've ever known. You know, 18 years old to now 38 this is all I've ever known was this life in the military? And, like, right now, and I mean, I've had so many people ask me and like there's it's almost gotten to the point where like, I'm trying not to get frustrated because so many people ask like, oh, how's retirement? And you know, like, I do like this deep soul searching because I'm waiting for like this huge epiphany or like this lightbulb to be like, Oh my gosh, like it's XYZ. But no, it literally just feels like I'm on leave. Like I'm seeing that, you know, Monday I'm going to get a call or tomorrow I'm going to get a call but I have to see back up and go to work, you know, but it's not like that's not going to come. And so, I'm still just very much in this phase of, okay, like, wow, like that chapter really is closing. However, I'm actually just really excited and happy about like, because what I have found that is helping me is to write about it. And so, I'm actually doing what I'm calling the Diary of a retiree. And I'm documenting my first 30 days of transition. So literally just writing out what I'm feeling what I'm experiencing what I'm going through. And today, like I was actually writing mine before I jumped on here with you. And I was talking about how life just feels exciting right now and it just feels like this tornado. And because it's just like, it feels like all of these experiences that I've have gone through in life and all of the emotions, all of the strengths that I have ever created or have now become a part of me because of those experiences are kind of like swirling around in this tornado. And I don't know yet, like how or when it's going to touch down. But I'm just trusting and believing that like what it does, like, it's going to be awesome. Because, you know, as we mentioned, like I'm just so passionate about raising awareness around mental health and the stigma in the military and helping others around that, that I know that like all of those pieces that are being swirled up in this, this tornado per se, that when it finally lands like it's just going to have just so much magnitude and beauty and really be able to just change it affects so many lives.
Amanda Huffman
That sounds like such a great idea to like write down how you're feeling as you're going through that transition process because like with time you forget about all those things. And so that's I that's really cool. I'm really excited about that. And I can't wait to see what you put that together. together in a book.
Nicole Smith
Well, thank you. I mean, and that's, you know, that's it is just, you know, we talked about knowing that we're not alone. And so, I know that I'm not the only one that's ever going to transition. How many countless people are currently in transition right now? And so I just figured, like, that's just one more way that I can help others to be able to just see and relate and be like, Oh my gosh, like, yeah, like, that's totally how I feel because sometimes it's so hard to put to words what we're experiencing. So yeah, so there is that there is the book as you kind of alluded to, I have a lot of things that are happening. So, like I said, it there's just so many things that are I feel like being swept up into like this personal tornado of mine. And like they're all there, they're spinning around. I'm just not exactly sure like how they're all going to drop and play out. But I'm excited for when it happens.
Amanda Huffman
Yeah, me too. Can you tell us what you would tell women who are considering joining the military?
Nicole Smith
So yeah, I have so many things. This could probably be a whole just podcast session in its own but one definitely I mean, in this, I guess is more towards the Coast Guard because that's what I know. And speaking to that experience of being a female in the service and not getting to serve underway until it was like, pretty far into my career, and I was already a senior member is to always push to get underway as early as you can. Because for the Coast Guard, that is really where you begin to understand not only the mission set, but it really just helps to set your career path up for success. So, trying to just knock that out early and quickly. Also, because it's very competitive for us, we don't have as much breathing space, there's not as many opportunities for a woman to get underway in the Coast Guard. So, if you're able to tackle it and get it out of the way earlier on in your career, one, you're just going to continue with that upward progression of advancement to you're going to be doing it while you're still young and single and without kids. So, you Then you're not being pulled away and having that heart branch, you know, trying to do it, you know when you've got kiddos at home. But more importantly, what I would say with considering joining the military is, especially as a young woman, you know, you're leaving high school, sometimes maybe even college and you're so used to just a lot of like the clicks and the cattiness of just relationships, at that point. Don't allow that to follow you or to be your norm when you come into the service. Find other women who just empower you and inspire you, or be the woman who is empowered and start empowering those around you. Because that's really where you're wanting to start affecting and making change and being able to just serve with continued confidence and don't ever let anybody just dim your light and who you are to make you feel that emotions are not okay being a woman in the surface is not okay. So just find those that you can lock arms with and rise together in a service and just remember, you're not alone.
Amanda Huffman
Yeah, that's great advice. It was really cool to hear another Coast Guard story, and to hear about how your experience was and what you did and all the different things you had to do. And then just sharing about your mental health experience and like what you went through, I think that's so powerful. And I know I got chills when you were talking about it. So, I'm really thankful that you took time out of your day to be on the podcast and to share your story.
Nicole Smith
Well, thank you so much, man. It's an absolute honor. I'm so glad that we had the pleasure of meeting each other back in September at the military influencer conference. But more importantly, just to be a guest here on your podcast, women in the military, it's an absolute honor.
Amanda Huffman
Thank you so much for being on the podcast. I really, I really learned so much. And I'm so glad that we got a chance to talk
Nicole Smith
Me too, thank you so much for the opportunity.
Amanda Huffman
Thank you for listening to this episode of women of the military. Make sure to subscribe so you don't miss any of the amazing stories I have with women who have served in our military. Did you love the show? Don't forget to leave a review. Finally, if you are a woman who has served or is currently serving in the military, please email me at airmantomom at gmail.com so I can set you up to be on a future episode of women of the military.