My dad played an important role in my life and where I am today. So this week on the podcast I wanted to celebrate Father’s Day by having Ben Killoy of the Military Veteran Dad podcast come on the show. As a dad to two young girls and a son I thought it would be great to hear his perspective on what fatherhood means to him. And I always pull away great insight from listening to his podcast in how to be a better mom and woman so I thought it might be of value for you my listeners as well.
Ben Killoy is a U.S. Marine Veteran turned blogger, life coach, speaker, and podcaster whose mission is to bring Military Veteran Dads home to their families. He resides in Janesville, WI, with his wife and three beautiful kids.
Ben went through what most transitioning veterans go through, the feeling of needing to redefine their identity outside of the structure of the military and rediscovering your passion and purpose for life. A seminar changed it all for him and allowed him to discover his passion for leadership and helping other veterans and Dads be the best parents they can. Since that seminar he has been on a mission to master leadership principles and use his passion for leadership to help dads understand who they are, develop their skills to overcome adversity, and to own their life choices to enable them to truly come home to their families.
Ben’s podcast combines his own insights into his unique experiences with the military and fatherhood, along with interviews and discussions with other thought-leaders from around the world. The fact that Ben’s insights are based on his personal experiences, and the experiences of the other veterans he interviews gives credibility to his understandings. Sharing both his successes and failures brings a more heart centred approach to his podcast, enabling a deeper connection to his audience.
Ben is available for speaking engagements, both online and in person, and is more than happy to share his insights on other veteran’s podcasts.
One thing that I find really fascinating is how much Ben talks about how important Fatherhood is. He takes an active role in influencing his children’s lives and has had so much change through starting the podcast. At one point in his life he believed no one cared about who he was and he wanted to change that. He started by making friends by saying hello to other dads at the park. And through those friendships he has created a podcast and talks about leaving a legacy for his family.
We also talked a lot about how we need to allow our kids to feel emotions and not brush them aside. If we ignore our kids problems when they are little problems they won’t come to us with big problems. They will expect the same reaction as they get older because little problems to kids are just as real as big problems to us.
Mentioned in this episode (affiliate links):
Strong Father’s Strong Daughters by Meg Meeker
Way of the Warrior Kid by Jacko Willink
Connect with Ben:
Instagram @Ben_Killoy
Facebook Page @MilitaryVeteranDad
Thank you to my Patreon Sponsor Col Level and above
Kevin Barba
Amanda Huffman
Welcome to Episode 79 of the Women of the Military Podcast. This week I'm celebrating Father's Day by interviewing marine veteran Ben Killoy, Ben and I met through a mastermind group. And when we were at Podcast Movement, we got connected. And we had one of the deepest conversations about what being a veteran was in the struggle of transitioning out of the military. And since then, I've become a huge fan of the work that he's doing. And I listened to his podcast every week. It's called the Military Veteran Dad. And even though it's for military dads, I love it. I feel really silly, but I just really love the guests that he has the stories that he gets the chance to share and just everything about how the podcast is put together. And it's focused on families and it's focused on being a dad and so I thought it would be really cool to do an episode with him for the woman of the military podcast. So that I could talk about the importance of fatherhood and the role that my father played in my life and the role that he is taking up as a dad and how he's helping to bring military veteran dads home. So it's another great episode and I can't wait to share it with you. So let's dive right in. You are listening to the women of the military podcast where we share the stories of female servicemembers and how the military touch their lives. I'm your host, military veteran military spouse and mom, Amanda Huffman. My goal is to find the heart of the story and uncover issues women face while serving in the military. If you want to be encouraged by the stories of military women and be inspired to change the world. Keep tuned for this latest episode of women of the military. Everyone I'm so excited because I have Ben Killoy on my podcast and we've been talking about trying to do a podcast for a while, but I thought with Father's Day coming up that it would be a great time to talk to Ben about importance of fathers and daughters lives because this is a podcast about military women. And so I thought it would be a fun topic to discuss. And if you haven't checked out the Military Veteran Dad podcast, you should check it out. Because you don't have to be a dad to love it cuz it's my favorite podcast. I'm so excited to have you here. Thanks for being on the show.
Ben Killoy
Thank you, Amanda. It's I love seeing your LinkedIn posts because I never know what's going to be the episode that gets Amanda excited enough to share it and then when he does, it's like I wasn't expecting that one to really like hit a chord because I thought that was a normal episode, but it's what you don't realize when your podcasts are what you consider normal that people consider amazing and that's why you have to keep doing it because you have that gift that you keep putting out there. So I appreciate you Amanda. And there's so much of our backstory where we keep coming back together. So this is a perfect in the making. appreciate when you came on my podcast and I agree Father's Day and daughters are something that are near and dear to my heart. I have two of them eight and three, I have a son in the middle. And being a father to my daughter, I understand that there's a definitely a major role that we play in helping our daughters grow into the young women and strong women that our world needs to help go out there and be who they need to be.
Amanda Huffman
Yeah, my dad had a huge influence on me. He's a gardener. And so my sister and I, on days that we didn't have school, got to go with my dad and mow lawns. And he told us that if we didn't go to college, we would mow lawns for the rest of our lives. And so we both went to college. My husband was asking me something recently about college and like, why is that? And I was like, I went to college because I didn't know the rest of my life. And my dad didn't know a lot about like what to do in college because he never went so I did math is my start as my degree but then I found out about engineering and so I'm really thankful that I was just pushed to go to college because it It changed everything about my life and where I am today,
Ben Killoy
Right, the military and that's where you find the ROTC program if I remember your story correctly, right?
Amanda Huffman
Yes, he actually I was looking into joining the military and he drove me to the Air National Guard Base because he knew someone who is England national guard, and set me up with a recruiter, which my dad doesn't have any military background either. But he's, he's always supported me and everything that I've done. And I think that really goes to show like if you have someone who believes in you, it pushes you to do stuff, but yeah, he's been I mean, he went to ROTC open house everything so so dads are really important and and that was why I wanted to talk about what you're dealing. How did you start the podcast idea of focusing specifically on military dads.
Ben Killoy
So it grew for me out of my own journey, so I was struggling to be a dad. Like most dads, there's not a book for it. There's not a manual and most men today, living quietly quiet life of desperation. And so for me, I was hungry for just something of growth to feel connected to another person. So I went on my own dad journey, I joined the dads edge Facebook group on the internet, I joined some masterminds with them. And I'm still a part of that group four years later. And that just really got me to the idea that there's so much more to fatherhood than what the standard that's accepted out there that most people default to. And so that got me to start raising the bar and raising up my level and my game, understanding how I can grow as a father. And then I wanted to start something on the side. And it took a long time to figure out what that was. But I eventually came to the conclusion I wanted to do something with fatherhood because I really liked being a dad and I like helping other people be a dad. And I was like, You know what, I could also do it with the veterans face because I'm a veteran and I already have that know, like and trust because I am a veteran within that community. And so I brought that idea to military hamster conference. And I'll never forget I don't remember the military spouses wife name, but I went in with this idea of just a veteran dad podcast and it was very rough, lucid. It was just kind of this is something I hate. I think I want to drive it when I was telling myself Story, she started crying. And what I didn't realize at the time was her husband came home physically but didn't come home mentally. And he just he was just on the couch and kind of an autopilot and engaged with the family, and was just kind of off. And because of what I went through and who I was becoming that made her to kind of really connect to that sadness that she feels every day. And I was like, I voice my story did that in that moment, like I got the energy and the excitement, the validation to start running. And it was September of 2018. In the plane ride home from Orlando that year, I wrote my business plan up with a mission to help bring every dad home emotionally and mentally to their family. And then three months later, I launched bypass and over a year and a half later, I've got an interview show on Monday I do a solo show called on Friday. And I love every minute of my journey of growing as a father and electric has been just unbelievable by most standards, how it all came about. But I love everything that I do, and I love our other dads. And just to weeks ago, I was talking to a dad, and he was a Army veteran. And later on after I was talking to him, I was on the hook and I was doing in your playback. He's like, that was the most in depth conversation I've ever had with another person. And that just really was a validating other validating moment that I was like, I'm on the right path. Like, your dad helped me matter their feelings, like the thing that you're gonna do. Well, I can give people the words that they need feel, or they're not putting the word Doom nearly start feeling something very strongly. That didn't work, and they weren't active in a word. So it's a journey everyday and I love growing into it more and more. My ultimate goal is to be a stay at home dad. I want to be here present with my kid (8, 5 and 3), I am done trading time for money.
Amanda Huffman
Yeah, and you mentioned that you're a veteran and we didn't talk about that in the intro, but what branch of the military did you serve in?
Ben Killoy
Opposite side of the room in the Marine Corps, and the funny story is I was going to go in the Air Force because I wanted computers and airports degree computerized and I'm like you know this seems like a no brainer I just really didn't even research Marine Corps i thought was a bunch of grunts only up knew I didn't want to do that Navy didn't want to be a boat army just didn't seem interesting. And the Air Force I was like, well, the Air Force is generally the easier one. I just want to get this computer thing in me and understanding getting them under my belt and I've talked to the recruiter, we're all pretty much ready to go. And then the day that changed my life forever is a day the church family church picnic that year in 2002. And there was a marine recruiter with a bouncy house and I was afraid too afraid to talk to them because marine recruiters are intimidating when they're in uniform. My mom wanted to make sure I was exploring all my options because she was worried that I wasn't making the right choice and why she thought marine recruiter was the best place for me to explore my options. But that conversation, we quickly figured out the Marine Corps has all the other jobs everybody else has. And two weeks later, I was raising my right hand for the Marine Corps instead of the Air Force, and I would have been voted least likely to join the Marine Corps. So for a moment I raised my right hand. It was a exercise of growth from a monumental portion that I would say I'm still on that journey of rising to the occasion of wearing the title of United States Marine.
Amanda Huffman
Yeah, it's funny because we knew each other for pretty. We knew each other long before we started the podcast. And so like, I didn't really know any of your story, but I didn't know you were a veteran. I really thought you were an enforced veteran. I mean, if you don't know Ben, he is like known for his hugs. Like he's a marine. Like it just it doesn't fit.
Ben Killoy
I'm a marine. He cries that gives good hugs that talks about his feelings and emotions and talks about how every brand has an Elsa inside them from the movie Frozen like that still is my favorite fatherhood Friday episode. I know I know. You haven't listened to it yet. But it was still my favorite episode because I just connected with who I was and I brought it to the podcast.
Amanda Huffman
I still trying to convince my kids to watch frozen. We need to rip the band aid off.
Ben Killoy
Let the kids go to bed one night and just Get down with some popcorn and by yourself. Yeah,
Amanda Huffman
maybe I'll do that. Another thing I wanted to touch on is when you talked about a lot in your podcasts about friendship, what was your road to where you are now? Like, I know you talk about like being lonely not having friends talk about those type of experiences and like what was the step that you took to start making friends and change your life.
Ben Killoy
So I got out of the Marine Corps in 2007. And I felt pretty connected and had friends in me and like, I feel like that was driven by the connection from Okay, now I was stationed there for three years, and you're all on the same Island. So it's very easy to feel bonded because you only have each other to kind of do Life With that said, You can't just go to Vegas on the weekends like you could have Camp Pendleton or something. And that really forced me to just grow into who I need to be. But then on the other side of transition, I got lost. I got lost for probably 10 years. And my real big story was triggered when I left Oregon when Jay Leno left the tonight show I just was like I don't think anybody's gonna come out and say anything nights at the end of my life and that I My biggest fear was like reaching the end and my funeral happening. And nobody's saying like, you know what, Ben, like, it was worthy that you lived on this earth. And that really, really just ate me up. And it took me a while to unpack all that. But essentially, one question that really kind of framed it got me going, eventually was if you want to resolve your lighting overhead, you need to start doing something you've never done. That was friends. I never had friends in high school. It was always something I desired, I would always become who I thought they needed me to be. But I would always get lost in that process. And for me, I realized like, Okay, if I want friends, I need to talk to people, but every person is going to be a high school girl who is going to reject me. So I never said hello. But then I was like, well, I need this result. So I got to start doing this. I started with ads at the park. And I just started saying hello. And the crazy part was they were waiting for me to say hello, we're going to chicken just to say hello to each other. And they were wanting to talk to us as much as I did, but they didn't have the courage to say hello back. So like, third day they talked to was a veteran and that veteran is Someone I'm still friends with today. They had to start saying hello and you don't realize when you start, don't have those friends is that as humanity and as the people we were never designed to do like lonely for millennia, we did like a tribe. And that's what I learned when I started having those friendships is then even now my kind of great friendships as like a literal shift the more friendship you have on the ocean of your life, the more opportunity before you're sure and you need those friendships out to greet that connected to create that community. And what I learned off with that process is that life will give you more than you can handle every day you tribe around you distribute the load, and not just people you could talk about sports, whether whether you need to be able to say like I had a massive fight with my wife last night and I feel like crap, you need people to be able to hear that load. And that's the journey that I went on. That's the journey upon when I started hanging out with other dads on the internet. I had the same mindset had the same desire, everything growth mindset, but for me my story really started a friendship and how those really just helped me connected for the whole idea because There's one fundamental truth. And I think this is true for women as well. When you bring other people in your life, women men definitely matter that they become the mirror for your own value. And veterans, we struggle, a lot of identify our own words, I'm going to hide without that uniform, you feel worthless. And our friend is that mirror or value that you can take doesn't matter which friend it is a friend, when you have a conversation, they say, and a reflection of what you're saying. And those are the things that make you you. And that's what I learned through the process. That's why I learned like, I was never a hugger my entire life. I went to a conference with a bunch of dad and I just started giving hugs because everybody else was into the conference, they reflected back that I was in the room. It wasn't my intention, but I had to have other people in my life. Back then I just own a part of me and I wasn't able to see it. All right, because when we met in person at podcast movement, I was like, I'm not gonna shake your hand. I'm gonna like you and so like Cuz it is like it's a part of who you are. And like, it's Yeah, I love that you were talking about friendship. And I think as women veterans, we often isolate ourselves because sometimes being in the military is very isolating, being only like one of the only women or one of the few. And just when you were talking about like friendship and community, I was starting to think back to my journey of like when I left the military, and I didn't really have very many friends. And then we moved to LA and I met the most amazing group of women and like, they changed my life. None of them were veterans, many, most of them were military spouses, but we were all moms and we're all in this like really hard place of like little kids and Justin from working and staying at home and most of us were all stay at home moms. And so I just was thinking about like how important friendship is and how that like really does change your life. And the important part with tribes that most people don't acknowledge from our ancestors is there is always someone ahead of you. In a tribe and there was always someone behind you, you never ever in a tribe had have all the answers. There's a reason why they used to say their elders, because they were the ones that were wiser. They had more answers, and you just starting out, there's always someone you help, there's probably always someone that was helping the new moms in the tribe grow and become a better mom. And same thing with a male being Hunter, there was always someone to go out there in the woods, make sure they understood the skills understood the idea. And that's the same thing you get in those tribes, you get someone that's ahead of you that's already figured out nursing and knows exactly the feelings, you're feeling like a failure when your baby's hungry, and you can't feed them. Like that's a very depressing feeling for a mom and if you don't have someone to share that feeling, your brain will tell you that you're the only one having that feeling and you're going to self isolate because you're too afraid to share that because if you're the only one having it, then that's going to feel shameful. And that's not how you your brain says that you can work through something but the exact opposite happens when you become vulnerable. You become magnetic and you don't push people away. You bring people both are
Amanda Huffman
so good. I love that.
Ben Killoy
So there's one thing that I've learned throughout the journey. And it was a book that really I read it when my daughter was like maybe a year old, so very young. But it was strong father strong daughters by Meg Meeker. And that book really changed my life as a father and the role we play within our daughter's life. And there's like the first 75% of the book scared the hell out of me, because they were just statistics of like, if you don't do these things, these are the statistics that says this will happen. And one of them that I repeat often, and I'm sure you'll attest how much I repeat, it is just hugging your daughter's a father reduced by 60%, the chance that she has sex by the age of 12. Because if she feels connection and love to you, she will not go out to seek it in the world until she's ready. But if she doesn't feel her connection to her father's love, she will find the first person that's willing to give it to her. And I think that's the root of where people joke about girls and daddy issues is where if you did have that strong confidence, like then there's kind of I shortened it up a little bit to like to your sons where our fathers are your first hero, what's your daughter's were her first love and how you set your bar of life determines the bar she goes out to search in the world like every person you bring home or your daughter brings home is going to be measured by the father that you are. And I am. And I often joke recently I've used the shotgun analogy that the dad with a shotgun door is the one that doesn't fully own it. He wasn't the best dad and he's afraid of what he's what she's going to bring home when she tries to copy who he would if you were a dad that's at the Barbary high Potter her own value taught her own beauty Potter to derive value from inside not from Instagram, you really have nothing to fear because every man she runs into she's going to be comparing subconsciously this person measure up to the man that I first love is with my father and that is so powerful. I love the idea of being a father and there's a story that I'm not gonna quote directly perfectly but it was a divorce. If you're in a she's a woman, but she represents a mother. And she says like the first time thing the mom was like, Oh, you don't know what there's homework is you don't know what these things are going on at school. Like usually that's all true. One question. The Mambo is no, here's your daughter, who she want to be when she grows up, like the deep philosophical questions that women struggle with fathers know how to work their way through the waters because is the same masculine and feminine that we hear talked about within marriage. The same idea provides within your grazing, honor that as a strong masculine male, you create a calm within the very turbulent winds that your daughter is she's trying, my daughter was at is in that same stage where everything can be like it feels like second grade to get the hardest life that she's going through right now. I can be that strong present, to help coach her through that we talked about it a bedtime routine, friends issues, playground issues, and just how to deal with it better. And I can help her work through those because otherwise those feelings just overwhelm her and then she just kind of like, runs out instinctual feeling and that doesn't do anything either. You need to be able to control it, feel it you need to feel but more no assets. This is what fathers are. This is why I love being a dad and why so important for military dads to step up because the role we play in our kids lives is so impactful. Is military dead we've lived the life that only a few people in the population United States actually live. And we can create amazing adults know exactly how to help change the world if we really step up and enjoy life.
Amanda Huffman
Yeah, and one of the things that I've liked when you've talked on your podcast is like big problems for kids. Like they seem like as a parent, you could easily be like, it's not a big deal. Susie doesn't want to play with you, who cares, just go play with someone else. But instead you like you talk about like dropping to their level, talking it out and like telling him like talking about how they feel. And I think that's really important because kids have these like big emotions and like it is over smaller type issues that aren't as big deals to adults, but that's because we've lived our life or maybe because someone has told us like that's not a big deal. Don't worry about it. And I like how you talked about in like Some of your podcasts episodes like getting down to their level telling them it's okay to feel the way they feel and to to move forward from the problem together with like guidance instead of just like you're fine. Keep going.
Ben Killoy
I often tell my daughter or reminder that like, you know, you're trying to figure out how to be eight years old and every day is a little bit hard. Daddy still trying to figure out how to be 35. And, or even I use an example like when you were born, I didn't know what I was doing. I was messing up daily, but I had to just keep going. I had to keep figuring it out. And that grew like it's so easy. Just assume even vocabulary is is something that we just assume everybody, every child knows what the word integrity means responsible discipline, doing the right thing. Like I don't, it was just until a couple months ago, I realized you know, I don't think I've ever explained what responsibility is my daughter, but we throw that word around the house like, like it's everywhere. Like you need to be more responsible and pick up and clean up and do the right thing. All the stuff. I never actually broken down these basic words and we just assumed so quickly, and I always try to it you always have to assume Like, to them, this is a real world problem if they're a teenager in high school, this is their entire life. This is the only life they know, just like you go to work. And this is the only life you know, and that stresses you out, it's the exact same thing for them. And every time you tell them that it's not a big deal, all you're doing is telling them that they're wrong for feeling the way they are, or where they're feeling. And they just, they suppress that feeling, because my dad told me that that was a wrong feeling to have, instead of just letting it be felt, you know, suppress that. And every time we start learning how to suppress something that just makes more problems that we need to unpack in therapy when we're in our 30s. So like, always try to acknowledge those feelings and not judge them and tell them that like if they're crying, let them cry, because whatever they're feeling is obviously struggling with that they need to cry and just let it out. And oftentimes, like when my daughter, especially my youngest one is just kind of emotionally just all over the place. I'll just get on my knee, and if she's crying, I'll just hugger. I won't say anything. I'll just remember back I'll be there and just let her feel what she ever she needs to feel than a lot of times the trick is never talking about it. This applies even in marriage don't talk about in the heat of the moment. I love bedtime talk because that's where we review a lot of the things that happened in the day kind of like an an after action review, like how could we have handled that better? What could we have done differently to be prevented? And a book that my daughter really liked was Jocko is warrior kid book. I really loved reading it to my daughter even and there's so much good advice in there about how to work through these different things. And we use that book I'll bring it up, as you remember in the book, and he had this moment and he had to do this like coaching and as fathers we get to do that parents have the ability to coach and it's this what I love about it because you are helping them grow into who they are discover their own uniqueness. And I can already see my daughter's emotional intelligence growing in the last like even being around everybody in the last four months have coded her emotional intelligence and having to engineer a lot of things more quickly, because there's a lot of things happening on daily basis. We talk about it more. It's more intelligent and more understanding. And she'll come to me with an idea how she thinks he already improved before I talk about it. And there's one fundamental thing you have to remember with all of the ether test a little things. And someday there'll be a big thing and how you were there for the vault and represent how they're going to be protected. And if you were not there to listen to the marketing, interview, there's something going on. Maybe it's someone parenting or something. And maybe she was almost sexually assaulted. And she was struggling with that. You didn't create a safe space, and you're younger than what they can tell you. They're not going to feel safe when they're older. And then you're like, Why did you tell me this years ago, you decided that little things that matter? And you were really building up for that big moment, those little moments matter. And that's what I love about the whole giant experiment. But it all builds upon itself and early years is where you build all the mechanism that you want to be working on the r&d Lab. My oldest is 12 But I feel like it's been worked out because they have gotten ahead of me helping me making sure that we're putting on their life and try to add something in my life to help me be prevented.
Amanda Huffman
Yeah, I love that you talked about like a tribe and having people ahead of you, because one of the big things about the podcast and like something that I'm working on is creating a mentorship program to help women who are joining the military, women who are in the military women who are transitioning, and it's kind of like a tribal thing where there's always someone who's a little bit ahead of you who can help you in your next step. And if as veterans we like love giving back, so whenever I try and if I get an email from someone, and I need to get connected with another veteran, I always am able to get so many people ready to respond to help people. And so I like the idea of like, not only doing like parenting and a tribe where you have people but also like taking that military experience you have and giving back in a way of like mentoring people in their journey,
Ben Killoy
Even our sense of adventure like We have a sense of adventure that nobody really can even come close to. And adventure is something that can really help change a kid's life because I, when it comes to like helping them grow into adults, like my major objective is, the more I get them outside of their life, the more they can figure out how they fit into life. And adventure is the best way to do that. Make sure that you're not just sending them to eight for 12 years in school, because they're not going to get outside their life in that environment. They're going to understand a lot of things they're not gonna understand their unique gifts and how the world works and seeing someone the Philippines and Europe and they just need to understand there's more ways to live your life than what's in front of you.
Amanda Huffman
Yeah, and including them in like tough conversations about like, especially right now with all the stuff going on with the Black Lives Matter and like the even the COVID-19 like I've been I have a six year old and a four year old and we've started talking about like those big important issues because I want I want to talk to them first. I don't like they're not going to school right now. So I don't have to worry about like other kids talking to them. But if By don't start talking to them now at home, they're where are they going to get their information from eventually, eventually school open again. They'll have friends that they could spend time with, but to talk about those important issues, like at home, and even when they're little, because if you don't, if you wait till Oh, we'll have to wait until they're bigger than you'll always find a reason to put it off just thinking about like Harry Potter, Dumbledore, his explanation, not that I want to ruin but he kept saying, I'll wait until he's a little bit older. I'll wait till he's a little bit you can always wait until they're a little bit older to talk about these tough things, but you need to talk to her now. So it's easy and natural goes back to what you were saying.
Ben Killoy
There's a point where and I and this probably resonates with a lot of women is and this is a role that parents need to step into as well. If you're not the first voice in their life, someone else will be and you're most likely to happen sooner than you're ready. And so you can keep saying I'll keep delaying and maybe they're not ready. there come a time when something happens on the The bus, and they hear it in a way that you don't agree with. And instead of letting them compare with what the people they love in their life, or their parents says about it, they now only get to hear some random kid that they don't even really know on the bus. And like that, in a lot of it is coming just demystifying it formed, like bring them into it and understand it because you could bring be the first voice, you're going to be something that they can use as an inker to build their own independent thoughts on but if they're always hearing it from everybody else, because you never brought it into your life, you're always going to be wondering, like, where did they get that crazy idea where I didn't even know that she was doing that yet, was because and it goes back to that safe space. Like you don't have that trust where you can bring anything to you're not going to be able to talk about the really difficult conversations because they're not going to know how you're going to, they're probably going to feel like oh, my mom's gonna judge me or my dad's going to turn to me because what he's done two years ago, and I'm going to use as an example now, can they all do the same thing? Yeah, that's
Amanda Huffman
That's really good. Well, I also like to wrap up my podcasts with, what advice would you give to young women joining the military? And I think as a dad, I'd really love to hear your advice of what you would tell young women who are considering joining the military.
Ben Killoy
Well, I think there's one thing that when you think of anybody joining the military, I would really look at who do you want to be on the other side. And so a lot of this ties to my transition advice that I have to give like people that transition out like, Oh, this is my I'm going through a transition. I'm getting out of military, but people never really look at the first transition. Getting out is actually the second transition is when you first became part of the military. That was your first transition and you had goals, you had objectives. You had dreams, and you had something you wanted to get out of that military service. And I would challenge you to really go understand what that moment is going to be when you transition into a military branch. Because you want to understand who you want this to who you want. What do you want this vehicle to help you transform you into? What do you hope to come out of it? Are you going in and just kind of because you're lost and you're maybe hoping that they help Give you some direction, which isn't a bad idea, because sometimes you get exposed to a lot of different life in a very short amount of time through the military. So that can also be a way where you get to see the world exposed to new ideas. But overall, again, it goes back to who you want to be on the other side of that military circuit, I would really focus on that because then when you get out of the military, you're going to know when it's time because you're not going to be like hiding in the military, because you never knew while you're joined, and maybe you join that instinct, maybe join because you were told to all of that goes back to you have to know really what you want to get out of it. And for me, I, I joined because I'd never done anything hard my life. And this was a major test of whether I could do it. And I would say it was extremely difficult the entire four years. But that really gave me the foundation in the core of things. I'm just now on pack like I'm now going back and figuring out things Marine Corps taught me because I wasn't this intelligent on this topic, and they didn't have enough advice that I made when I was getting out so I had to figure it out my own self and listen to the people and hearing what they're saying. But really challenge what you want to do. The other side of your military service and see which one which branch may be aligned to get to there, and what resonates like you feel called to be that person that apply to military service. Think of them because that gets you excited. And that should get you excited when you think about leaving military service, because you're going to let the different person you want to make sure that's the right person you want to be.
Amanda Huffman
I love that advice. That's such good advice. And I think a lot of people don't think about the first transition is joining the military. Because, like now, you said, I'm like, Oh, yeah, that that makes sense. Once you go through boot camp, and you do join the military, you change it. You can't go through something like that and not change, especially like leaving your family being far away or going to a new state or country. Yeah. So that's really good advice. I love that. So thank you so much for being on the podcast. I really have enjoyed getting to like some more wisdom out of you. I really love listening to the podcasts which you already know. So if you're listening To this podcast go check out Ben's podcast. Can you tell us where we can find you if we want to.
Ben Killoy
So the podcast name is Military Veteran Dad, the website is militaryveterandad.com, the best place to get ahold of me is on Instagram @Ben_Killoy. I am pretty much an open book, I essentially the best thing that I offer every day is friendship. And I try to show up in the people's lives as a friend that I wish I had in my life five years ago. And so if you know anybody out there, if your husband's struggling, whatever it may be, if you can get him to reach out, I am more than willing to talk to really much anybody and I'd like to offer the audience to anybody that wants to have a conversation or unpack something go to military veteran dad comm forward slash coaching and there is a offer for a 90 minute coaching session, no charge. I'd love conversation. I'd love diving into it because I every time I help a dad come home, I change your family tree forever and we change your family tree forever. And when you give the gift, give the gift of the Father back to his kids like that is what really fuels me so I am always about helping People and if you like the part on friendship go check out free dad course calm as well. There's a five step audio course there that I just recently launched on things that I use to help create friends in my life. And it's a simple 10 minute episodes to listen to on your drive to work. And here are the basic steps of how you can create more friendships in your life, which was the main vehicle that started my growth as well.
Amanda Huffman
Yeah, thank you so much for being on the podcast and I'll link to everything in the show notes so people can find it and have a great week. Thanks.
Ben Killoy
Thank you, Amanda.
Amanda Huffman
Thank you for listening to this episode of women of the military. Make sure to subscribe so you don't miss any of the amazing stories I have with women who have served in our military. Did you love the show? Don't forget to leave a review. Finally, if you are a woman who has served or is currently serving in the military, please email me at airman to mom@gmail.com so I can set you up to be on a future episode of women of the military.